Forget Ivan the Terrible—Andy Murray Needs a Really Ruthless Coach
Murray and Lenin--A Match Made in The Ruthless Court?
Upon seeing this tweet by David Law, giving a shout out to Jonathan Overend’s wit and wisdom, what else were we at The Ruthless Court going to do other than reflect upon which Russian historical figure would suit British world no.5 Andy Murray best as a coach?
For weeks now, the great and the good of tennis have been advising Andy to ‘get a coach’ (presumably they mean a coach other than BFF/glorified hitting partner Dani Vallverdu). The alleged need for a coach seems all the more acute now that Andy has parted company with part-time consultant Alex Corretja. The recent waterfall of cries for Andy to employ a full-time coach was initially prompted by Andy’s…interesting form since this year’s Australian Open. It’s interesting in the sense that he hasn’t won a match since his defeat in the AO final at the hands of the since-unbeaten Novak Djokovic. Yeah, that kind of ‘interesting’. But never fear, because we can reveal right here, right now that Andy will win Wimbledon 2011—it’s in The Ruthless Court so it must be true.
If, for some strange reason, you’re not comforted by this news and you still think Andy should just, you know, get a coach, may we suggest that neither the great Ivan Lendl nor the terrible Ivan the…Terrible are ruthless enough to guide the young Briton to his first grand slam? No, if you’re looking for the kind of ruthlessness that a Wimbledon-champion-in-the-making needs alongside him, then there’s no better place to look than The Ruthless Court. Move over Mr. Terrible–which of the iconic Russian figures who are actually in The Ruthless Court is best suited to getting Andy out of the small scrape he currently finds himself in?:
Tsarina Alexandra—Whilst she’s the perfect combination of Germanic efficiency and Russian eccentricity, her judgement isn’t too sound if her adoration of Rasputin is anything to go by. Also, as The Ruthless Court reveals, she has enough men in her life without having to worry about lanky tennis players.
Tsar Nicholas II—Er, there was a reason why he was the last Tsar of Russia. You’d be better off asking the captain of the Titanic to manage Manchester United.
Rasputin—Now we’re getting somewhere. Here’s a man who can understand Andy’s reluctance to stick to the rules and social norms. His wildness and passion would no doubt reignite a fire in the young Braveheart’s belly. And, if you believe the hype, good ol’ Rasputin is also a faith healer, so the next time Andy gets a bit of a wrist strain or sore ankle, he can just ask Coach to lay hands on him. Think of all the medical bills he’ll save on! Just one thing though, Andy is teetotal, whilst our man Rasputin…isn’t. So that could be a point of friction.
Lenin—Now then. A master tactician with no fear of or respect for the status quo. He’ll help Andy upset the cosy Grand Slam monopoly of Roger Federer, Rafa Nadal and Djokovic by giving him the shrewd tactics that any cunning revolutionary would be proud of. Forget Peace, Land, Bread—how about Game, Set, Match?
If you’ve got something to add to the debate, why not vote on this week’s brand new poll?
Ra Ra Ra Ra Rasputin
Seriously though, why’d Boney M sing about a dead Russian guy anyway? Well, just look at him! Which 1970s disco group wouldn’t find so terrifying a sight to be the perfect muse? Mind you, the mad staring eyes are not the only reason why this vision has captured the imaginations of people everywhere since his early 20th century hey-day. He was known as the ‘Mad Monk’ for a reason. This extraordinary being claimed to be a holy man with mystical powers yet spent his days revelling in his apartment and the restaurants of Moscow, not to mention enjoying pleasures of the flesh. He was in fact heavily suspected of being part of a religious sect that combined religious and sexual ecstasy. And it came as no surprise to his peers and many enemies that he was thrown out of at least one of his favourite Muscovite night spots.
But perhaps the most remarkable thing was the way Rasputin gained entry into the inner circle of the early 20th century Romanovs, the last Imperial family of Russia, before and during WWI. His greatest “sponsor”, along with Tsarina Alexandra and Tsar Nicholas II, was the Tsarina’s best friend Anna Vyrubova. She and they believed him to have special healing powers, which mysteriously eased the effects of the haemophilia of the royal couple’s son Tsarevich Alexei. Known as the royal disease because so many of Queen Victoria’s descendants all over Europe suffered from it, haemophilia is a disease that leads to the slightest injury causing excessive internal or external bleeding for prolonged periods of time. Whenever Alexei was suffering from one of these episodes and Rasputin was there to sit with him and pray over him, the boy somehow found some relief.
So grateful to Rasputin were the family, and the Tsarina in particular, she fast became one of the mystical man’s most devout disciples. When the Russians went all anti-German on her in the darkest depths of WWI, (for, like some other royals we know, she was originally German) one of the vicious rumours circulating was that she and Rasputin were ‘more than friends’. Or was it just a rumour?? We play with that in The Ruthless Court, by pitting Rasputin against a dead man in the battle for the Tsarina’s affections. Well, I say dead, but it’s actually Prince Albert Victor–Victoria’s grandson and second in line to the British throne—having assumed the alter ego of ‘John Richmond’. And for a “dead” man, the Prince more than holds his own against Rasputin in what develops into a bitter feud, as this exclusive excerpt from The Ruthless Court shows:
One morning as the Prince arrives, Rasputin, escorted by a new footman, is leaving by the same entrance. They stare angrily at each other, clearly recalling their first encounter in the Prince’s mansion years earlier. But neither man speaks. However, they both refuse to give way to the other. The Prince’s jealousy and resentment of Rasputin boil over. He stamps on his foot, and turning sideways rams his left elbow into his chest. Rasputin cries out and grabs him by the throat. Jim, the Tsarina’s huge attendant, is passing and pushes them apart. The Prince continues into the palace with Rasputin’s loud threats to have him “exiled” following him.
The next day Anna tells him that Rasputin had complained to the Tsarina about “the unprovoked, brutal violence” “John Richmond” inflicted on him. Anna tells the Prince that the Tsarina was sceptical about the story and tried to calm Rasputin. She smilingly evaded his demands for the Tsar to “banish” his attacker, from Tsarskoe at the least.
“Please tell the Tsarina that I am truly sorry about this unpleasant misunderstanding between Mr Rasputin and me. We got into a tangle as we both moved in the same direction to allow the other to pass through the entrance. In the confusion I accidentally trod on his foot and stumbled. As I flung up my arms to regain my balance one of them struck him in the chest. Entirely unintentional,” the Prince says in a very sincere tone of voice to Anna as he holds her hand.
But will Rasputin get the upper hand in the end? We all know that, in real life, Rasputin met a grizzly end, but once you enter The Ruthless Court, real life becomes….surreal….
The Ruthless Court 